Already Lost
by Karasu Mitsukai
Summary: Haunted by the pain and loss of his past, Fai turns to Sakura to help him stand on his own two feet. FaixSakura


Fai stared numbly into his own eye.

Through the mirror gazed a stranger with blond hair and one slit, golden eye. The eye patch covered one side of his face like a shadow, a symbol of everything the man had lost. Something in that eye had died--it had died long ago. It had died that day when the snow had turned red and the name Yui had been forsaken. He placed a hand on the reflection, searching for some shred of familiarity.

He squeezed his eye shut. His fist crashed into the mirror as he cried out, the glass shattering into cruel and razor-sharp pieces. They cut into his hands and face, leaving crisscrossing marks of red running over his skin. The scent of the blood tugged viciously at Fai's senses, sending him careening out of control. He continued to scream, ripping apart his bed sheets and throwing anything that could be picked up away from him. He didn't care if people could hear him, he didn't care if people could see him.

Fai stopped his rampage, breathing heavily. His long hair fell limply around his face, obscuring his eye. He slid weakly to his knees, holding himself and shivering. He was different. He was a stranger. He had always been a stranger. Where had he gone? Where was….

_Yui._

He bit his lip and resisted the memories.

_Yui. _The haunting voice spoke again, more insistently.

Fai clutched at his ears. "Shut up," he growled. "Just shut up."

The boy with empty eyes and hair that pooled on the floor stared up at him. _Yui,_ he rasped. _Yui, I'm scared. I'm cold. I miss you, Yui._

"Go away. Leave me alone…." Fai's eye snapped open and he screamed, "_Leave me alone!_"

Sakura stared down at him in surprise. One hand was stretched toward him, the other held uncertainly at her heart. She took a step back, her eyes softening slightly. "Fai…san?"

Fai was terrified. Images flooded into his mind--her eyes, filled with blood, so empty as they gazed at him; her skin, hissing and burnt from the acid rain; himself as he pulled her close to him, tears falling into her hair. She couldn't see him like this. Not her. He was out of control, broken, pathetic. He wanted to hide.

He smiled kindly. "Ah, Sakura-chan. Feeling better?"

Her eyes slowly took on a look of fear and concern. She rushed toward him. "Fai-san! What happened? You're bleeding, let me help you…!"

Fai waved her away nonchalantly. "I'm fine, Sakura-chan. I'm just getting used to things. I'm fine." He shrugged and smiled again.

Sakura's face fell. Fai looked away. He couldn't bear the sorrow reflected in her eyes. Their was so much loss in those emerald pools. It was a wonder that the girl could still stand. He looked down at his hands--he realized he hadn't even picked himself up. "Really, Sakura. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Please." He couldn't maintain the smile. "Please don't worry."

"Fai-san…." He looked up to see Sakura suddenly kneeling before him, tears welling in her eyes. "I want to help. I haven't been any good to you all. Just let me do what I can." she bowed her head. "Please…I'm begging you…." She covered her face and quivered violently. "Let me help you while I can, Fai-san. Let me help you."

Fai gazed at her. She looked so tiny. She was so fragile. Why hadn't she broken? Through all of the pain and despair and shattered hearts, why wasn't she broken? He closed his eye and listened to her quiet sobs, and not a word passed between them.

He wanted to reach for her. Desperately, he wanted to hold her. He wanted her to stop trembling. Stop hurting, Sakura. I'm hurting, too. We're both hurting. Both hurting.

He came to his feet. "I think you need to rest, Sakura-chan." He smiled down at her and offered his hand.

Her eyes red, she stared at the hand. He challenged her with his stare. She looked away and with a single, smooth, meaningful motion, she ignored his gesture and rose. His hand remained suspended in midair, frozen. "Thank you, Fai-san," said Sakura softly. "But I'm all right. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Goodnight." She turned and limped toward the door, her bad leg twisting under her.

Fai watched her retreating back. _Don't go,_ he thought. _I'm still hurting. Let me hold you, Sakura. I want to hold you._

Sakura turned around and smiled. "I hope you feel better, Fai-san."

The wizard's eye snapped wide open, glistening with fear and desperation. He suddenly gasped and stumbled forward, placing his hands on her shoulders. "W…wait. Stay, Sakura-chan. I'm so sorry. Please stay." He knew that he was weak. He was childish. He couldn't even stand without someone to hold on to. "Stay here, Sakura-chan. I want to help you, Sakura-chan."

No more. No more masks. No more pretending. No more watching her walk away, time and time again. No more hurting.

Sakura was crying again. She placed a hand over his and looked up at him with that same weak desire. "Fai-san," she croaked.

He threw his arms around her and pulled her against his chest, twining his fingers in her hair. She succumbed to his embrace and leaned against him, her arms hanging loosely at her side. Fai squeezed his eye shut and pressed his face against the top of her head. _She feels cold_, he thought. _Cold and empty_.

"Fai-san," she whispered. "I…I keep seeing his face…looking down at me…."

He opened his eye and tightened his hold, waiting for her to continue.

"There was blood on his lips. Your blood. And your eye…that stared down at me, too." She was starting to fall, her knees buckling under her. Fai held her up. "I reached for him. I wanted, so terribly, for him to stay. I…all of us…we've been through so much, and now…even now….Syaoran-kun…!" At last, she caught him in her arms and clutched at his shirt, sobbing violently. "_Syaoran-kun_!"

Fai was feeling a bittersweet darkness drown his heart. He had her. In this moment, she was his and only his. He had her in his arms…but he had already lost her. Her heart belonged to the boy who left, the boy who took everything Fai had ever known. She loved him, and there would never be anything left to give. With this knowledge, he held her. He pressed his lips against her head and kissed her.

"I want him to come home," Sakura whimpered. "I want him to come home!" She looked up at Fai. "I'm so sorry, Fai-san. I know what he did to you. I know that you can't forgive him, but…please. We need to find him. Please, Fai-san…help me find him…."

"Sakura-chan." He searched her eyes. They were pleading. He sighed and kissed her forehead. He breathed against her skin. "We'll find him. I'll do anything."

They remained silent for a while. Absolutely silent. He wondered if either of them were breathing.

Eventually, Sakura pulled away and smiled, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, Fai-san. For everything." She turned and walked toward the door, her back hunched.

Fai stared after her. "I meant what I said, Sakura-hime. I'll do whatever it takes."

Sakura turned to smile, but suddenly froze as her eyes glazed over. Her lips parted slightly, her back arching and shivers running along her body. Fai grabbed her hand. "Sakura-chan, what's wrong?"

Her eyes turned to him. They were filled with a terrible, unexplainable fear, deeper and more intense than anything she could have imagined herself capable of feeling. Fai felt himself go cold. "Sakura-chan…?"

Sakura placed a hand on Fai's cheek. He stared at her in surprise, trapped by the solemnity in her gaze. Her misty green eyes were cold and distant, a new sorrow swirling within them. She bore into him with those eyes. "Thank you, Fai. I know you will. Whatever it takes."


End file.
